Janet’s Florist – script

First Performed as part of Stir Fried Science, Smiths Alternative 8/4/22 – watch the clip of the show here.

 

CUSTOMER walks into florist shop, starts browsing. Manager approaches from behind counter, with assistant in tow.

MANAGER:

Good morning, can I help you?

 

CUSTOMER:

Just looking for something for a, errr, new.. friend I’m meeting tonight. (smiles shyly/winks)

 

MANAGER:

Lovely! Well, Leroy here will help. It’s his first day today, but he’s very well qualified… he’s studying a PhD in Botany at the University

 

CUSTOMER:

(impressed) Wonderful! (Manager exits)

 

PHD STUDENT:

What are you thinking of?

 

CUSTOMER:

Well, she’s classy, and a little ‘out there’. Maybe some nice bright Gerberas?

 

PHD STUDENT:

(directing him to a bucket of long grass) Oh no! I have just the thing.

 

CUSTOMER:

And that is?

 

PHD STUDENT:

Themeda australis – Kangaroo Grass

 

CUSTOMER:

Grass? Errr… I want to make a good impression.

 

PHD STUDENT:

Oh, it will. It’s native you know. Endemic to this area.

 

CUSTOMER:

(bemused) Oh, endemic. Right.

 

PHD STUDENT:

Yes, ditch the exotics – she’ll want something that grows right here in Canberra. Like this: Casuarina cunninghamiana. (Proffers sticks of pine needles)

 

CUSTOMER:

Pine needles? (Gently sarcastic) That’ll really blow her away.

 

PHD STUDENT:

(Misses the sarcasm, and is pleased to have helped.) Oh Good, Shall I wrap them?

 

CUSTOMER:

No no no, It’s a date you understand! Have you ever been on one? I can’t bring just a handful of sticks….

 

PHD STUDENT:

(Reverently) But Sticks come from plants!

 

CUSTOMER:

Yeah, so do FLOWERS. Can we direct our thoughts that way?

 

PHD STUDENT:

(looking closely at grass) They are flowering.

 

CUSTOMER:

Look, I’m really hoping this won’t be my LAST date with her!

 

PHD STUDENT:

Non-Flowering plants are beautiful, too!

 

CUSTOMER :

(Stares at PhD Student) Is there an actual Florist shop nearby? (begins consulting phone)

 

PHD STUDENT:

I know, how about Arthropodium strictum- Chocolate lily?

 

CUSTOMER:

Never heard of them. (aside) Chocolates are beginning to sound like a good option. (Starts to leave)

 

PHD STUDENT:

(Pursuing Customer) They actually smell like chocolate.

 

CUSTOMER:

Really?

 

PHD STUDENT:

… you need a little imagination… But they’re quite pretty. Or Ammobium craspedioides – the Yass Daisy.

 

CUSTOMER:

Yass has a daisy? No way. OK well, let’s have a look.

 

PHD STUDENT:

Oh no, we don’t have any.

 

CUSTOMER:

What?

 

PHD STUDENT:

Don’t be stupid, it’s early winter, they don’t flower until mid to late spring!

 

CUSTOMER:

So you…?!? What about the Lily chocolates?

 

PHD STUDENT:

(amused) Lily chocolates! Not till early Summer.

 

(Pause. Customer decides what to do.)

 

CUSTOMER:

Can I just have the Gerberas?

 

PHD STUDENT:

I wouldn’t. They’re from tropical areas. Not even Australian!

 

CUSTOMER:

Roses, then… but it’s only the first date, I don’t want to freak her out…

 

PHD STUDENT:

Do you have any idea how much fertiliser they consume? Huge carbon footprint!

 

(They stare at each other. Manager notices and approaches.)

 

CUSTOMER:

(Desperate) How about some fake flowers?

 

MANAGER:

(Appalled) We’ve taken a plastic-free oath!

 

(Customer looks from one to the other.)

 

CUSTOMER:

Oooh, how about that one? (Points to far corner of shop)

 

PHD STUDENT:

Which one? The welwitschia gnetophyte?

 

MANAGER:

Or do you mean the Gymnosperms?

 

CUSTOMER:

That one, right up the top, behind the other one…(While they are craning their necks he grabs the gerberas, slaps a $20 note on the counter and runs, yelling: ) Thanks

… for nothing, nerds. (Runs out the door)

 

SCENE 2

 

(Customer knocks on door. Meena answers. Customer hands gerberas to her. She smiles, but then looks at the gerberas.)

 

MEENA:

Ewwww, Exotics!

(She slams them against customer’s chest, slams door in his face.)

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