First Performed as part of Stir Fried Science, Smiths Alternative 8/4/22 – watch the clip of the show here.
CUSTOMER walks into florist shop, starts browsing. Manager approaches from behind counter, with assistant in tow.
MANAGER:
Good morning, can I help you?
CUSTOMER:
Just looking for something for a, errr, new.. friend I’m meeting tonight. (smiles shyly/winks)
MANAGER:
Lovely! Well, Leroy here will help. It’s his first day today, but he’s very well qualified… he’s studying a PhD in Botany at the University
CUSTOMER:
(impressed) Wonderful! (Manager exits)
PHD STUDENT:
What are you thinking of?
CUSTOMER:
Well, she’s classy, and a little ‘out there’. Maybe some nice bright Gerberas?
PHD STUDENT:
(directing him to a bucket of long grass) Oh no! I have just the thing.
CUSTOMER:
And that is?
PHD STUDENT:
Themeda australis – Kangaroo Grass
CUSTOMER:
Grass? Errr… I want to make a good impression.
PHD STUDENT:
Oh, it will. It’s native you know. Endemic to this area.
CUSTOMER:
(bemused) Oh, endemic. Right.
PHD STUDENT:
Yes, ditch the exotics – she’ll want something that grows right here in Canberra. Like this: Casuarina cunninghamiana. (Proffers sticks of pine needles)
CUSTOMER:
Pine needles? (Gently sarcastic) That’ll really blow her away.
PHD STUDENT:
(Misses the sarcasm, and is pleased to have helped.) Oh Good, Shall I wrap them?
CUSTOMER:
No no no, It’s a date you understand! Have you ever been on one? I can’t bring just a handful of sticks….
PHD STUDENT:
(Reverently) But Sticks come from plants!
CUSTOMER:
Yeah, so do FLOWERS. Can we direct our thoughts that way?
PHD STUDENT:
(looking closely at grass) They are flowering.
CUSTOMER:
Look, I’m really hoping this won’t be my LAST date with her!
PHD STUDENT:
Non-Flowering plants are beautiful, too!
CUSTOMER :
(Stares at PhD Student) Is there an actual Florist shop nearby? (begins consulting phone)
PHD STUDENT:
I know, how about Arthropodium strictum- Chocolate lily?
CUSTOMER:
Never heard of them. (aside) Chocolates are beginning to sound like a good option. (Starts to leave)
PHD STUDENT:
(Pursuing Customer) They actually smell like chocolate.
CUSTOMER:
Really?
PHD STUDENT:
… you need a little imagination… But they’re quite pretty. Or Ammobium craspedioides – the Yass Daisy.
CUSTOMER:
Yass has a daisy? No way. OK well, let’s have a look.
PHD STUDENT:
Oh no, we don’t have any.
CUSTOMER:
What?
PHD STUDENT:
Don’t be stupid, it’s early winter, they don’t flower until mid to late spring!
CUSTOMER:
So you…?!? What about the Lily chocolates?
PHD STUDENT:
(amused) Lily chocolates! Not till early Summer.
(Pause. Customer decides what to do.)
CUSTOMER:
Can I just have the Gerberas?
PHD STUDENT:
I wouldn’t. They’re from tropical areas. Not even Australian!
CUSTOMER:
Roses, then… but it’s only the first date, I don’t want to freak her out…
PHD STUDENT:
Do you have any idea how much fertiliser they consume? Huge carbon footprint!
(They stare at each other. Manager notices and approaches.)
CUSTOMER:
(Desperate) How about some fake flowers?
MANAGER:
(Appalled) We’ve taken a plastic-free oath!
(Customer looks from one to the other.)
CUSTOMER:
Oooh, how about that one? (Points to far corner of shop)
PHD STUDENT:
Which one? The welwitschia gnetophyte?
MANAGER:
Or do you mean the Gymnosperms?
CUSTOMER:
That one, right up the top, behind the other one…(While they are craning their necks he grabs the gerberas, slaps a $20 note on the counter and runs, yelling: ) Thanks
… for nothing, nerds. (Runs out the door)
SCENE 2
(Customer knocks on door. Meena answers. Customer hands gerberas to her. She smiles, but then looks at the gerberas.)
MEENA:
Ewwww, Exotics!
(She slams them against customer’s chest, slams door in his face.)